The Three Ps of Your Negative Cycle

If we’ve worked together in couples counseling time, you’re surely familiar with the phrase “The Negative Cycle.” This term describes the hard moments in your relationship when you and your partner can’t seem to connect well in a way that reassures you both, instead it feels like spiraling into a worse and worse place.

And, this Cycle involves both of you, in which you’re both deeply hurting, and trying to make the situation better, but unintentionally triggering your partner more. So, we need to understand what The Negative Cycle is if we’re going to have a chance to connect well and grow in our trust of each other.

To understand your half of The Negative Cycle, you need to understand “Your Three Ps” or the pain, protective reaction, and partner impact. So, answer these three questions below in two to three sentences each, and I hope this helps you gain clarity and understanding about what’s really happening in those difficult moments.

Pain: How do you feel when we’re spiraling in our Negative Cycle? What painful thoughts and emotions do you experience in these moments? How do you feel them physically? (think about surface-level emotions, and also the deeper emotions that are more vulnerable)

Protective Reaction: What do you do to try and make the situation better? How are you trying to make yourself feel better, or find relief in these situations? (examples include: I push for them to respond and answer me so we can fix it, I shut down and get very closed off, I do ____ to try and make myself feel better, etc.)

Partner Impact: How does your partner feel when you do this? What do they do in response? (despite your efforts to help, when we’re in The Negative Cycle, your efforts to help can still hurt your partner, how does it hurt them?)

 

If you can understand these parts of how the Negative Cycle can show up in your relationship, you will be empowered to really understand what is happening for you in the moment. You will be so much more introspective and self-aware, which will help us in our work together tremendously. So, take some time to stop and reflect on these three points, bring your answers to our next session, and I look forward to talking about this soon.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!