How to Take Your TEMP

In your relationship, you may hit rough patches when it’s really tough to communicate with each other. In our work together, you’ll probably hear me talk about the Negative Cycle often, and how we can identify that Cycle when it’s happening.

So, one of the key parts to our success is identifying the Negative Cycle is understanding your own experience in the Negative Cycle. Specifically, flushing out the different elements of what you’re feeling, thinking, and doing is really key. To do so, I like to use the TEMP acronym to answer this question. So, when you and your spouse hit a rocky moment, and you’re not connected on the same page, we can learn so much about how your relationship’s Negative Cycle affecting you.

So, I encourage to reflect on a recent time when you and your spouse got caught in the Negative Cycle, and write down your answers to these four questions in one to two sentences each:

Trigger: What do you see or hear from your spouse that tells you that things were going badly? What small or subtle cues do you pick up on from them that activates your emotions? Examples include certain tones of voice, their body language, facial expressions, or something else you pick up through your five senses.

Emotion: What are you feeling in this moment? How do you feel it in your body, physically? What are your first emotions, but also what are your deeper, more vulnerable emotions?

Meaning: What do you think of yourself in this moment? What do you think of your spouse? What do you think is happening in your relationship? Examples include “It feels like they see me as ______ in that moment” or “Our relationship is _____ right now.”

Protective Response: What do you do to try and fix it, and make yourself feel better? How do you seek to solve the issue? Common examples include pressing for a resolution right then, or seeking to take some space to de-escalate the situation.

If you can understand your TEMP, you will be empowered to really understand what is happening for you in the moment. You will be so much more introspective and self-aware, which will help us in our work together tremendously. So, take some time to stop and reflect on your TEMP, and I look forward to talking about this in our next session.

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