In my work with couples, I love learning about what makes couples thrive, enjoy their relationship, and encourage others by how they love each other. But, as a therapist, I need to help couples see what’s holding them back from having the relationship they want. So, when people ask me “What goes wrong in marriage?” I have to tell them about how the Scarcity Mindset makes everything go wrong.

If you’ve heard people talk about a Scarcity Mindset before, they were probably speaking of how this mindset affects how people deal with their money. When someone approaches their finances from a Scarcity Mindset, they live out of their fear of not having enough money. Unfortunately, this prevents them from using their money to enjoy their life, plan for their future, or be generous to others.

In the same way, a Scarcity Mindset in relationships results in spouses being cheap with their love, reluctant to support their spouse, and scared to be generous with their energy. It’s sad, but it’s true. All of this stems from the idea that we need to protect our love, because if we give our love away then there’ll be none left for ourselves.

But here’s the thing about love, you aren’t going to lose it if you give it away.

If you wall yourself off from people and are scared to give your love away, you’ll find that there isn’t much love left for yourself either. It’s paradoxical, but when we give our love away, we have more of it in our lives. The only way that we’re going to break free of the Scarcity Mindset is to embrace the Abundance Mindset instead.

The Abundance Mindset, on the other hand, states that love isn’t a fixed resource, so we don’t need to stockpile it. When someone lives from the Abundance Mindset, they reap the benefits, everyone around them reaps the benefits, and their spouse reaps the benefits too.

For a moment, imagine with me what it would be like if you were married to someone who thought “What can I do for them today?” and how much you would love being married to them. Show me two spouses who do that for each other, and I know their marriage will thrive like no other. What would your life be like if you loved your spouse that way? And I know that it’s really hard to be that kind of person, and I’m not saying that this is supposed to come easy or naturally to you. All of us have our own roadblocks on the way to being a more loving, generous person, but those roadblocks can be overcome.

Also, I want to be really clear on this: You have your own needs that need to be met, and you shouldn’t ignore your basic needs to fulfill your spouse’s wants. But, when both of you choose to give that little bit of extra love to each other, even when you’re tired, your marriage will make you happier than you ever thought it could.

Your marriage can be marked by generosity and others-oriented love, and it starts with how you think about your spouse. I promise you this, no matter how it feels, your spouse is not your enemy, and the time and energy you spend loving them is time well-spent. And, as an added bonus, whenever you choose to live out of the Abundance Mindset rather than the Scarcity Mindset, you’re forming yourself to be a more loving person along the way.

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