When I work with a couple in therapy, there’s never just one problem they’re trying to fix. There are kids’ schedules that change by the hour, there are extended family members who drain their energy, and sometimes one or both partners struggles with depression. Unfortunately, our troubles doesn’t seem to come to us one at a time, in fact, it seems like problems seem to come in waves all at once. I’m basing this observation off of my work with clients, because most of my clients are dealing with complex issues that need to be addressed together.

Every year I pick a topic relevant to my practice and review the recent research studies on this topic. One such topic is how couples handle the stress of marriage issues and depression at the same time. So, after reading dozens of studies on this topic, here are my three conclusions:

1. Depression and marriage problems affect each other

If one or both partners are struggling with typical depressive symptoms (feelings of sadness nearly every day, low energy, weight gain/loss, sleep difficulties, suicidal thoughts) then their marriage is probably going to suffer as a result. Also, if a married person’s relationship with their partner is really rough or they’re growing further apart, they are more likely to experience those typical depressive symptoms too. The point is this: It’s a two-way street, depression contributes to lessened marital satisfaction, and vice versa. If your marriage is struggling, and you’re feeling depressed, then you need to address both sides of the coin. And, the good news is that as one of them improves, the other one is likely to improve too.

2. Good relationships are a huge protective factor

Without doubt, it’s very sad when a married couple isn’t enjoying their relationship with each other. However, if both of them have good relationships with various people, it helps their chances a lot. This includes relationships with their kids as well as adult friends and family members. Recent studies have found that even if a married person is clinically depressed and their marriage is in a rocky place, they have a better chance to fix both those issues if they have other good relationships in their life. It’s not easy to manage some of the other relationships in your life when your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, but it will help both your depression and your marriage to stay connected to others rather than isolating yourself.

3. Men and women generally handle these issues differently

Whenever we talk about gender in research, we’re talking about trends rather than absolutes. However, we can learn some trends which more often than not describe our personal lives well. So, according to research on heterosexual marriages, men try to handle their depression themselves while women tend to rely on support from others.  Also, when a husband experiences depression, he typically spends less time showing positive behaviors, like intentionally serving and loving his wife, but when a wife experiences depression, she typically displays more negative behaviors, such as irritability towards her husband. Again, these are just general trends, but it’s not surprising to me that men tend to suppress their emotions while women tend to express them. However you and your partner struggle to love each other, know that if your depression gets better then it’ll be easier for you to love your partner as well.

I hope this very concise summary of many psychological studies can offer you some support, and whatever you’re dealing with today, consider asking for help in whatever way you need it.

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