Of all the words that can be used ambiguously, the word “sorry” can be one of the most confusing ones.

Because here’s the thing, sometimes when I say “I’m sorry” what I mean is “I wish that hadn’t happened to you.” Maybe I’ll say that when someone’s loved one passes away, or they don’t get the promotion they wanted. But, other times, when I’ve made a mistake, I’ll use the “sorry” word too.

The problem is, we confuse feeling sorry for someone with being sorry; we confuse our empathy with our apologies. The difference is that empathy is feeling sad with someone, while an apology conveys regret about what you’ve done. So, very often through life, it will be helpful to empathize with someone when they’re going through something hard. Whether you say “I’m so sorry that’s happened…” or “I hate to hear that…” or “That’s so sad…” you can let your people know that you care about them with such words.

And here’s some good news: Most of the time, you just need to empathize, no need to apologize! You don’t need to apologize for things outside of your control, just be there for your friends and remind them of how much you care about them.

But, here’s the catch: When you do apologize, you’ve gotta really apologize. No beating around the bush, and no half-apologies.

There are three parts to a true apology: Stating what you did, admitting that it was wrong, and resolving to change.

So if I forgot a date with my wife, and left her waiting alone at a restaurant, I can’t just say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to forget.” Nope, that’s making an excuse for myself and not apologizing. Also, I can’t just empathize with her and say “Sorry, that sounds hard to sit there at the restaurant by yourself.” When I forget that date, I have to apologize, which means looking her in the eye and saying “I am sorry that I forgot our date, I should not have let myself forget our date, and I’m going to prioritize our time together going forward.”

I know it’s going to be uncomfortable, and that apology forces me to be honest and truly vulnerable to my wife. But, that’s the only way I can really be reconciled to my wife, and this can stop resentment from growing between us. If I don’t actually acknowledge my wrong, then it’s much more likely that resentment will grow between me and my wife.

To be clear, I am not the master of knowing when to empathize or apologize, but just by being aware of these two categories I am able to intentionally pick whether to empathize with others in their hardships or apologize for my actions.

To close, here’s a few examples of when to empathize and when to apologize:

• If you snap at your kids after a long day at work, apologize. It’s not enough to just empathize with how they feel after you snap at them, you need to go back and apologize for your action.
• If you miss your friend’s birthday party because of an emergency at home, empathize. If it truly was an emergency, then you did the right thing to stay and resolve the problem, but you can still empathize with your friend if they feel sad or angry that you weren’t there.

None of us will be perfect in knowing then to empathize or apologize, but with practice, we can master this skill and improve our relationships as a result. There is a place for both in our lives, and both empathy and apologies are ways of showing how much you love someone. Empathizing takes emotional energy, but it lets people know you care about them; apologizing requires taking responsibility and choosing vulnerability, but it’s worth it!

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make
a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!