As long as I can remember, I’ve heard the saying “The institution of marriage is failing” all around me, in popular culture and my social media feed. I’ve seen countless sources declaring the death of marriage, saying it has failed, and that people of the future will progress to something beyond marriage.

But at the same time, popular culture and my social media feed are also brimming with couples saying “I do” and being celebrated by their support systems. So which is it? Is marriage failing or are we still doing this thing? Obviously, the answer is not so simple, because I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle: We still believe in marriage, but we don’t know what makes a marriage succeed or fail, so many people are scared to try. Sure, we all can recognize when a marriage has failed, but who can look at a couple on their wedding day and predict whether they divorce or not?

First, let me myth-bust one statistic for you: People say that 50% of marriages fail, but that statistic is deceiving. Here’s the truth: 50% of marriages do fail, because some people get married several (or many) times, and the likelihood of divorce goes up with each successive marriage. That means that a large number of people (65-70%) stay with their first and only spouse for their whole lives. So, when you marry your first husband or wife, you have a better than average chance of staying together as long as you both shall life. Furthermore, couples who are college-educated, over 21 years old, and wait until after marriage to have children have a very high likelihood of staying together.

It’s over-simplified to say that every marriage has a 50% chance of failing, and it just isn’t true. We set ourselves up for failure when we view marriage in such a pessimistic way, and this pessimism isn’t even based in fact. If you and your spouse take a proactive approach to caring for your marriage, you have every chance to have a fulfilling, lifelong marriage.

While I don’t think I can read the tea leaves and foresee a couple’s future, I have worked with enough couples to know that there are some fundamental differences between couples who make it, and those who don’t. In three points, I’ll try to offer my perspective on why so many people choose divorce over marriage in this follow-up post.

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