In our marriages, we have to be wary of all sorts of lies that are easy to believe. This is true of every area of life: If we’re poisoning our minds with untrue things, it’s going to seriously impact us.

But, there’s two major lies that can plague every marriage: They are “My spouse is the biggest problem in our marriage” and “I can’t do anything right in our marriage.” All of us can fall into the trap of believing both of these lies, but usually one of them will feel more true to us. It is crucial that we understand which of these lies feels the most true to us, so we can actively work against believing it.

So, if you tend to think “My spouse is the biggest problem in our marriage” then this next section is for you.

I’ve been counseling couples for long enough to know that you are exhausted and exasperated from trying to fix your marriage. You’ve tried everything; you’ve initiated romance and intimacy with your spouse so much, you’re on top of the household responsibilities that need to be done, and you carry a lot of responsibility in your relationship. I know that you probably feel alone in your relationship, like your spouse doesn’t care enough to work at your relationship.

And after being ignored so many times, you probably feel like you’re in a relationship with a child or teenager, because it seems like you’re the parent who’s constantly urging them on to do their chores. So, when you come to couples counseling, it’s very difficult to believe that you need to try harder because you’ve already been pouring 110% of your energy into your relationship.

I don’t think you’ve been lazy or not trying, on the contrary, you’ve been trying so hard. But, I would suggest that in your growing frustration, you’ve probably been critical of your spouse and resentful of their lack of effort. And while I totally understand where that frustration is coming from, that’s probably scaring your spouse away from you, making it harder for them to connect with you. So, in our work together, that’s one of the main things that we can process together and help soothe that frustration and resentment you feel.

Now, if you tend to think “I can’t do anything right in our marriage” then this next section is for you.

I am certain that you have tried, you’ve done your best to please your spouse, to be present at home, to be romantic and emotionally connected, but it feels like you always mess it up. You do your best to be the perfect spouse, but it seems like nothing you ever do is good enough, and your spouse seems perpetually angry at you. So, after being criticized enough, you say “What’s the point?” and you want to avoid those intense conversations as much as possible.

And, I understand where you’re coming from. It is not easy to be on the short end of the stick, to feel not good enough and like a constant failure. It’s tough to really lean in and invest in your relationship, because when you’ve done this before it’s seemed to fail. We feel ashamed of our incompetence at being romantic or talking about emotions, and don’t like feeling bad about ourselves.

Doing things we aren’t good at is really exhausting, it emotionally drains us and we don’t want to do them for very long. It can feel like throwing a football left-handed, or trying to speak a foreign language you’ve never been taught, you think to yourself “I’d rather be doing something else than being so awkward at this.” So, it’s tempting to avoid your spouse, and busy yourself with things that you do feel confident in.

But, it’s not as hopeless as it feels. In your efforts to keep the peace and not fight so much, you provide so much stability and calmness that your marriage desperately needs. I know it’s easy to get down on yourself and think you’ll never do anything right, but it actually won’t be as terrible as you think it will be. Your spouse will not always be critical and demanding, and you won’t always feel like a failure in your own marriage. And, part of the reason that your spouse can feel so demanding is because they feel how you’ve been avoiding them, but this is a fixable problem that won’t always be this hard.

Your marriage issues are fixable, they are not permanent, and they can actually be overcome fairly quickly if both of you can admit that you are part of the problem, but not the whole problem. Then, rather than feel helpless or hopeless, you will know that you get to be part of the solution rather than waiting on your spouse to change.

Marriage counseling is not easy work, but it is not as hard as some people think it is. Your whole life can be changed for the better by partnering with your spouse and saying “Let’s do our best to work through our issues” and with the help of a good marriage counselor, you both will enjoy your marriage more than ever before.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!