Throughout my professional career, I’ve been fascinated by differences between the men who thrive in their lives and relationships, and those who really struggle. For all the ones who I’ve seen overcome the obstacles before them, they seem to consistently push back against the ways they’re “supposed” to be, and fight the male stereotypes that have become commonplace.

Recently, psychological research has detailed how men’s mental health faces significant challenges, as loneliness and disconnection from their families run rampant. And, some of the stereotypes we tend to believe about men can perpetuate these issues, so we should be mindful of what we assume to be true about men. In my practice, here’s the three biggest stereotypes I’ve seen about men that we really should challenge rather than accept.

1. Men don’t need deep friendships, they just want buddies to do things with

Whether it’s in the commercials or movies we watch, this stereotype seems to be everywhere. It would seem that the deepest, most intimate moment a man could possibly feel with a friend is when they both crack open a cheap beer and see their team score a touchdown. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone needs friends just to enjoy common interests with, but we also need people who we can have a real conversation with, good or bad.

It’s true that men tend to enjoy doing things together while women tend to enjoy just talking and focusing on each other, but is it impossible to also have a conversation while playing golf or having a drink? I assure you, it is very possible, and a needed part of life.

2. Men are simple, they don’t feel deep emotions beyond anger

Somehow, we men did an incredible job of pretending that anger isn’t an emotion, so we get to pretend we’re all Superman, unaffected by emotions. Emotions just bounce off us like bullets, because nothing phases us. And sometimes, that’s helpful, because many men can handle dire situations while they suppress their emotions. But, those emotions never get processed, and they show up in other ways.

During my time as a therapist in the South Carolina prison system, I saw how some men try to process their emotions: Addiction and risky behavior. The truth is, men feel deep emotions, and if we deny feeling them then they will come out in other ways. To deny feeling deep emotions is one of the worst things that anyone can do to themselves.

So, we as men need to acknowledge our emotions, and it might not be in long conversations, watching certain movies or listening to certain music. But, whatever ways we can express our emotions, if it isn’t harmful to ourselves or others, we should celebrate that rather than shame it.

3. Men are more focused on their work than what’s happening at home

I can picture the 1950s stereotypical family now: The husband comes home in a suit and tie, the wife has dinner on the stove, and the kids are playing somewhere just waiting to be called for dinner. And then, dad plops down in his favorite chair, reads the newspaper, or watches his favorite show, because he’s earned it. That stereotype continues forward to men who are emotionally absent fathers, unadmired by their families, but admired for their productivity at the office.

And like the other stereotypes, there’s bits of truth to this. As men, I think we can be more invested in tasks than relationships, or at least more confident in our abilities to get something done than to care for someone. But if we never try to grow in our abilities as fathers, we’ll never become the fathers we all needed ourselves. And, if we say “He’s just a normal guy, he works long hours and doesn’t know his kids very well,” then we’re putting that man in a box, normalizing his isolation.

Here’s the good news about these stereotypes: They only continue in our own lives if we believe them. If we believe them to be absolutely true, then they will be self-perpetuating, but if we recognize that men are nuanced and complex individuals, we’ll separate the truth from the nonsense. When we do that, we support ourselves as men as we grow in our weaknesses and show off our strengths. Then, we can be full people, experiencing our emotions and relationships fully, deeply invested in our families and communities, and growing as men along the way.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!