We’ve talked about the mindsets that affect our boundaries, and we’ve discussed how boundaries that are too weak or too rigid can be harmful in their own ways. So, now that we’ve talked about the big picture things, let’s get practical. When you’re setting boundaries in your life, here are three things to remind yourself of:

1.     1. When someone initiates a type of closeness with you (physical, emotional, or spiritual), are you accepting that level of closeness because you think it will better your relationship, or because you’re scared of the consequences if you don’t?

Boundaries define where you end and I begin, and that means we’re defining how close we are comfortable being with someone. So, if someone wants to spend lots of time with you, be in contact all the time, share very personal things with each other, or be physically close with you, just ask yourself “Am I comfortable with this? Do I also want this for our relationship? Or, am I accepting this because I’m scared of how they’ll react if I don’t go along with it?” This can offer a real, tangible question about how to evaluate your boundaries.

2.     2. When someone asks for your help, and you aren’t sure whether you should help or not, ask yourself “Do I want to help this person because I think it’s the right thing to do, or because I’m scared I’ll feel guilty if I don’t help them?”

Boundaries also define how available we will be to others to help and support them, and we should think intentionally about how we help people. If someone needs help and they can’t do something for themselves, you could support them in a very special and needed way. But, if they could improve their own situation, they may benefit more in the long-term by taking on that challenge with your support. Either way, just consider how much your own guilt plays into your boundaries with helping others.

3.     3. Boundaries are a principle you choose to live by, not principles you can make others live by.

When you say “Please respect these boundaries I have set” what you’re really saying is “This is I want our relationship to be, and if you don’t want to do these things, our relationship will change as a consequence.” So, boundaries without consequences are meaningless. When someone inevitably crosses your boundaries, it could be a good chance to talk with them about that and reinforce what you’re asking for. And, if they consistently don’t respect those boundaries, you probably should tighten your boundaries with that person to give yourself extra space, ensuring you aren’t harmed as much in the future. But at the end of the day, when someone crosses your boundaries, you need to decide what you’re going to do about it.

I hope this has helped offer some practical, tangible advice about how we can evaluate our boundaries with the people around us. We all have boundaries with everyone in our lives whether we think about them or not, so we may as well be thoughtful with them. Just remember that you are of equal worth to every person you know, and good boundaries will balance your needs with theirs. And, if you consistently find yourself struggling with establishing or maintaining boundaries in your relationships, you might benefit from working with a therapist to overcome that challenge together.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!