As a marriage counselor, I talk about relationships a lot. It’s my professional world, it’s the thing I think about the most about my job, and it’s where I spend most of my brainpower during the workday. So, I hear about what makes relationships work, and what doesn’t. And, one of the most common things I hear people say right as a relationship is ending is “I think we’re just not compatible, so I should break things off.”

Unfortunately, we frequently overestimate how important compatibility is, and we look for the wrong types of compatibility. Ultimately, many people look for an easy relationship where they don’t have to work on their relationship, and that’s what they mean by “I want someone who is compatible with me.”

So, here’s three big ideas why you should be cautious about holding compatibility as the end-all be-all of your relationship.

1.     Surface-level compatibility won’t sustain your relationship.

Your favorite tv shows, your sense of humor, and your hobbies are all pretty superficial things in the grand scheme of your life, and they make for a bad foundation for your relationship. When your relationship struggles, your shared love of that tv show/band/type of food won’t save your relationship. In those moments, you need trust, commitment, good communication, emotional maturity, and patience, not a mutual love of “Friends” or “The Office.”

2.     Your interests and personality change over time

Right now, you might love staying in, playing board games, and watching movie marathons with your friends or partner. But in a few years, that can all change. You might want to travel more, go out more, try new things, and then what? Will you have to break up with your spouse because you don’t have the same shared hobbies anymore? If so, you’re in for a lifetime of breaking off relationships in search of the mythical, easy relationship.

3.     Successful relationships overcome incompatibilities

Every day, I meet wonderful couples who seem very different at face-value. One person may be very introverted, artsy, and quiet while their spouse is extroverted, competitive, and loud. How do they make it work? They communicate and resolve problems well, and they sacrifice their own preferences to love their spouse better. Spouses who value their relationship’s health over their own preferences don’t need a perfectly compatible spouse.

This all might seem a bit one-dimensional to you, and that’s okay. I know there is value to having some things in common with your spouse. While I do think that compatibility may be overrated, there is some real value to it. So, check out the accompanying post: Why Compatibility is Crucial.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!