In every relationship, romantic or not, we have conflict, it’s a natural part of interacting with other people who have different thoughts and perspectives. And, although conflict can actually improve our relationship, we need to handle each type of conflict with care, because not every conflict is the same. 

Type #1: The Disagreement

When you and your spouse can’t agree on what decision to make, you’re in a disagreement, and these happen nearly every day, between any
person you know. When this happens, discuss it, it’s okay to disagree! Honestly, I’d be worried if you never disagreed with your spouse, that would indicate that one or both of you suppress your true thoughts and feelings consistently.

Whether that’s deciding what to eat for dinner, or what approach to take on a house project, we need to handle these well, considering each
other’s perspective. Oftentimes, we forget that the day-to-day disagreements we have are a type of conflict, but they are an opportunity show our respect for each other, and our desire for compromise as we work together.

Type #2: The Argument

While disagreements focus on small, day-to-day decisions, arguments focus on much bigger, more emotionally heavy conversations. In these arguments, both of your probably feel many emotions, as we’re talking about important and big issues.

Maybe you’re talking about how to parent your kids, or what financial goals you have, or something else that you both care a lot about. In
these conversations, it’s so important that you understand the deeper concerns and worries that you both have, and continue seeking solutions with those in mind. It’s not enough to just talk about the surface-level decisions here, we need to get to the place where we can ask “What really concerns or scares you? What’s your biggest hope with how we handle this?” of each other.

Type #3: The Fight

If we handle arguments poorly, it’s possible that we can escalate into a fight, where our emotions run hot and we can hurt each other more. Maybe we started off by talking about our weekend plans, but then it devolved into statements like “You never care about what I want” or other hurtful, broad generalizing statements, we’re in a fight.

When you’re in a fight, you need to take a break, and come back later. To be honest, neither of you are ready to have that conversation if
you’re emotionally flooded; you’re more likely to fall into a reactivity cycle rather than understand each other more. If you approach this conflict with a clear head, you can have a healthy argument and find a good solution that satisfies both of you.

Just remember, conflict is not a bad thing! It’s a necessary part of a healthy relationship, which can bring you closer together. And, if you find that you often feel less respected and close to your spouse after a conflict, a marriage counselor can help you both communicate better and strengthen your relationship too, so give it a try if you haven’t already!

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