I’m pretty sure that everyone has asked this question at one time or another, and often it’s assumed that fighting is a ritual that every couple must go through. But below this question remains a more important one: What’s the difference between a “typical” couple’s fight and a really bad fight?

To start, let’s draw a line in the sand between “arguing” and “fighting.” Every couple argues, no doubt about it, but not every couple fights. When a couple argues, they disagree about what to do and they’re trying to find a solution, and any two people who work together will argue at some point. Alternatively, one person could make all the decisions to avoid the arguing, but that will usually lead to resentment growing between the two. So, arguing is a good, normal thing! I would never expect two individuals to have no disagreements, and I’d worry if they had none.

And then, we have fighting. When we talk about fighting, we’re talking about two people who act as if they’re enemies to each other. Arguing can escalate to fighting when our emotions run high, especially when we feel abandoned or threatened. So, here are my three red flags of fighting:

1.     Name-Calling. An argument can escalate to a fight quickly if the words “stupid,” “idiot,”  or something worse comes up. These are personal attacks on your whole character, and nobody wants to be called such things.

2.     Negative Generalizations. These happen when your labeled as something unwanted. For example if you’re called a “lazy parent,” “bad husband/wife,” “selfish person,” or something else like this, that’s a broad statement to swallow. Understandably, you would get pretty angry if anyone, never mind your spouse, labeled you like that.

3.     The “Sweep Under the Rug.” I will say, even the most faithful couples fight sometimes. One person is dismissive, the other is condescending, both make personal attacks on each other, and so on. But, some couples will reconcile and forgive each other, and some won’t. So when a couple can’t genuinely apologize and make up with each other afterwards, that’s a huge red flag. This is a sign that resentment and distance are growing between them, and they’re losing trust in each other.

If you and your spouse argue often, you’re probably working hard to build your life for each other. And if you fight often or can’t apologize after a fight, I’d consider seeking some help from friends or a professional you trust.

As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve learned that it takes trust to argue with each other, it takes humility to apologize after a fight, and it takes selfless love to care about another person more than yourself. I promise you, as you grow in these virtues, your relationship will encourage your parents, your children, your friends, and anyone who sees two people working so hard to love each other. It isn’t easy work, but it’s worth it 100% of the time.

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