In my time as a marriage and family therapist, I have grown very confident of this simple fact: Maintaining close, long-term relationships is hard. Whether it’s a marriage relationship, family relationship, or a friendship, your relationship will surely be tested if you’re close with someone. For this post, I’ll use the term “friendship” but this can be applied to any relationship.

In a friendship, it can seem like the person who starts an argument is the bad guy. We say things like “Why do they insist on causing drama?” “They’re just so sensitive about every little thing” when we see someone who starts an argument.

And this is why many of us feel intense anxiety around conflict, we think that all conflicts are bad, when in fact sometimes conflicts are just what a relationship needs.

If you’ve ever seen an old car get fixed, you’ll know what I mean by this: When an old car’s bumper had a dent, they would take the bumper off the car, hammer the steel until it was flat again, and then throw the bumper back on the car. It’s hard, uncomfortable work, but our relationships need to be straightened out too; tension needs to be resolved and growing resentment needs to be addressed.

Sometimes, people start arguments because they care about the relationship, and they recognize that there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. And if you find yourself growing resentful of your friend, then you have two options: Let the resentment grow and see your friendship deteriorate, or tell your friend what you’re thinking and feeling to try and rebuild trust in your friendship.

The goal is not to start a fight where more feelings are hurt, but an argument can end in both people having more empathy and understanding for each other. So, to be clear, accusing your friend or being rude to them isn’t brave, that’s easy to do. What’s hard is to be vulnerable, gentle, and honest with your friend. When you do so, you’re saying “I care about this friendship enough to have an uncomfortable conversation, and I trust you enough to believe that it will resolve well.”

If there’s tension in one of your friendships, I promise you that the best way to approach it is to say something like this: “I’ve been feeling not so great about our friendship lately, here’s what I’m feeling, and I’m telling you this because I don’t want this to damage our friendship.” This is not easy to do, and sadly very few people have the ability to do so. However, your only alternative is to let distance and resentment grow in that relationship, I wish there was another way, but there isn’t. Once your feelings are significantly hurt, they won’t just subside peacefully on their own.

But, if you can develop the ability to work through issues and frustrations with your friends and family, you will enjoy deeper, more meaningful friendships that withstand conflict and grow stronger through them. That, more than anything else I do, is the real work of marriage and family therapists like myself.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!