What to Do When Your Spouse Threatens Divorce

In my profession, many of my clients have trusted me enough to tell me when their life is falling apart, and I feel very fortunate to be able to help them in these delicate moments. And, sometimes, a client tells me “Kevin, my spouse says they want to end our relationship, what do I do?” which is certainly a hard situation to handle. But, by doing these five things, you can at least give yourself a chance to help your relationship survive and heal from these moments.

So, if you want to work through your relationship’s issues, but your spouse says they want to stop trying to fix your relationship, here’s what to do:

First, take some space from the conversation.

Most of the time, the words “I’m done, we’re breaking up” come out in the midst of an emotional fight, when we’re both saying things we don’t mean. So, we need to get away from the conversation in that moment so that we don’t do more damage. In those moments, we’re in a fight, which is one of the types of conflict that we need to let rest before we restart the conversation.

Second, listen and seek to understand.

When you come back together and talk with your spouse, have one goal in mind: I am going to listen and understand what they are feeling. That may sound simple, but I promise you that it takes a lot of hard work in the moment. If your spouse feels that you understand how they’re feeling, then you can begin to work together on your relationship.

Third, own the parts you can own.

This part feels so wrong in the moment, especially when you’ll want to be defensive and prove that you are a good spouse. But, if you can find some parts of the past that you can honestly say “I am responsible for a part of our relationship’s problems, and I want to work on that part of myself” that would be a major step forward. I’m not saying to take all the blame on yourself, because your spouse has their faults too, but you can soften the conversation by owning your part in the dysfunction.

Fourth, reaffirm your commitment.

This part feels very vulnerable and scary, because you might end up feeling needy or clingy. But, if you can tell your spouse that you want to continue your relationship and work on it together, hopefully that can help them do the same. And, even if they don’t, you can be proud of your faithfulness to your relationship.

Lastly, try and agree on a path forward.

If you and your spouse have gotten this far, then you’re on the right track. The last thing you need to do is agree on what to do next. So, if you both agree that you want to work on your relationship, you need a defined, specific plan for how to heal your relationship. I recommend working with a licensed therapist who specializes in marriage counseling like myself, but you could also try speaking with a pastor, attending a seminar together, reading a book together, prioritizing your time together weekly, or something similar. Doing something is better than nothing, and it’s the first step towards getting your spouse and your self back.

I hope these steps are helpful, and if you need support from a therapist, don’t hesitate and reach out today to get started.

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