In romantic relationships, we crave compatibility over difference, and you’ll hear this phrase all the time: “I just want to be with someone I’m compatible with, so that love isn’t so hard.” So we set our sights on the mythical, easy relationship, the one with someone who is so similar to us that we don’t need to work many things out, we just naturally agree on most everything. We say “find someone who’s also an introvert, or creative, or ambitious” or whatever other characteristic is important to us.

Then, we’re amazed when two people who are very different from each other have a joy-filled relationship, and we wonder if we can have that in our own relationship. This becomes especially relevant when after being together for a while, you realize that you and your spouse are very different from each other after all, even if did bond initially over your identical tastes in music, movies, food, or something else.

Maybe one of you is the messy one and the other is the clean one, maybe one of you is a saver and the other is a spender, or maybe one of you runs a 5K every weekend and the other thinks that a “5K” means  “running five thousand miles.” But here’s the bigger surprise: No couple is fully compatible, and the more you get to know each other, the more you will realize that you are different from each other in both big and little ways.

It’s incredible to see couples who are very different from each other and complement each other so well. But shouldn’t they be fighting since they’re not as compatible as others? So how do some couples do it? How do people not just tolerate someone who is so different from them, but genuinely love them and value them?

If we’re not careful, you can begin to view your spouse as just being someone in your way, rather than your partner and best friend. It’s all to easy to want your spouse to just admit that you’re right and adjust to your preferences, rather than wanting to find a middle ground that’s best for both of you.

The solution is this: If you value your relationship more than your opinions, then you’ll want your spouse’s influence every day. And consider this: What’s the gain in being right if at the end of it all, you’re alone? I have seen couples undergo the same fight for years because they would rather be right than be together.

But here’s the amazing thing about those couples who balance each other out, the ones who are so different yet actually seem to enjoy their partner’s differences: They realize that getting their way isn’t as important as having a joyful relationship, especially since their way wasn’t perfect to begin with. Somehow, as they’ve grown in humility, they have seen that their way isn’t the only way, and that their spouse has valuable perspectives and opinions to offer.

And of course, every couple argues, but some don’t let it spiral into fighting, because arguing and fighting aren’t the same thing.  

Instead of trying to have things “my way” I hope that you and your spouse find what “our way” is. And when you find it, I bet you’ll love it more than your way because you’ll get to enjoy it with the person you love. Neither of you will lose the argument because winning it was never your goal in the first place. Then, your relationship will flourish, which is so much more important than any argument along the way. You can 

 

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today