How to Get Your Spouse to Try Counseling

If your marriage hits a really rocky point, where you know that you and your spouse have some big challenges in your relationship, you may consider working with a marriage counselor. But, what if your spouse doesn’t want to try marriage counseling? Now you’re in a tricky spot, because if both of you aren’t on the same page about how to work on your relationship, it can feel like you’ve hit a dead end.

But, let me encourage you with this: Every couple who works with a marriage counselor has been in this exact spot, where one spouse wants to try marriage counseling, and the other isn’t on board yet. That’s okay, and this is a solvable issue, so here are three steps to overcome this barrier together:

Step 1: Have a conversation to acknowledge the issues

The first step takes some vulnerability, but that’s the only way to get this conversation started. Find your way to communicate with your spouse, and say something like “I think we have some big issues in our relationship that I want to work on together” and then ask them how they feel. Hopefully, they agree with you, even if they may not be as concerned as you are. But, if you can agree that your marriage has some significant challenges, then you’re on the same page and ready to move to the next step.

Step 2: Discuss your options to improve your marriage

I’ll admit it, I’m pretty biased about what the best step is to improve your marriage; I think that working with a licensed counselor like myself is the best idea for most couples. However, you have more options than just marriage counseling, such as:

• Attend a marriage conference or seminar together
• Read through a book and discussing it together
  
  • I’d recommend either The Meaning of Marriage or Hold Me Tight
• Listen to a podcast about relationship building together and discuss it
• If you’re religious, meet with your pastor or religious leader and seek their wisdom
• Plan intentional time together, whether that’s a weekly date night, a quarterly overnight or weekend getaway together, or another plan to intentionally enjoy each other
• Meet regularly with an older married couple whom you trust and respect, be honest with them and seek their advice and mentorship

These are just some options, and there are certainly more ways to improve your relationship. So, I encourage you to lay out all these options with your spouse, and discuss which one you would both be open to trying.

Step 3: Pick a path, and follow that path together

Here’s the most important step: You two need to pick a path to follow, and do so together. Even if one of you needs to take more of the initiative, as long as both of you are willing to work on yourselves, you can experience real growth in your marriage with any of these options. Doing something, or anything, is better than nothing, and you have to start somewhere.

Personally, I think that working with a trained marriage counselor like myself will improve your relationship the most. However, I care more about your marriage improving than exactly which path you take. If you intentionally work together on improving your marriage, you and your spouse can have a lifetime of love together, and that’s what I want for you more than anything else. 

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