If you were stuck on the side of the highway with a car that wasn’t running, I think that anybody would be better than me at knowing what to look for under the hood. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “You’re hoping to see something so simple, so obvious, that even you can fix it, like a giant ‘On/Off’ switch that is switched to ‘Off’ by accident.”

But, even though I have no idea what to look for under the hood, I haven’t had much car trouble over the course of my life for one reason: preventative maintenance.

I definitely can’t rebuild an engine once it’s broken, but I can change my oil and get my car looked at regularly. If my car were really broken down then I wouldn’t know what to do, but I can take care of my car so that it’s unlikely that it’ll break down unexpectedly. Similarly, if people cared for their marriages like this, they’d keep their marriage running pretty smoothly.

To care for your marriage like you care for a car, you need to take care of your car while it’s running well, do the little things to keep it running well, and go to a professional when something’s really broken.

In this metaphor comparing cars and marriages, there’s three relevant parts, so let’s break them down one by one.

1.     Preventative maintenance: Even if your car is running well, you need to get the oil changed, get the tires changed regularly, and drive it regularly to keep the engine tuned up. For your marriage, you need to regularly check in with your spouse to ask how they’re doing, and how they’re feeling about your relationship. Prioritizing your time together and regularly making time for each other is both invaluable and irreplaceable.

2.     Recognize the warning signs: Your car will tell you when you need to get your engine looked at, and you might notice when something isn’t quite working as it should. In your marriage, it’s not always as easy to spot what are typical relationship problems and what are relationship-threatening problems. But, if you and your partner struggle to really resolve your arguments and forgive each other, or emotionally detach from each other, you should be concerned for your relationship. Try to talk about these things with your partner and your close friends, and hopefully you both can be honest about how you’re feeling and make the little changes needed to bring you closer together. However, if your attempts to fix the relationship end up making the problem worse, consider your third option.

3.     Get a professional to help with the big stuff: In the same way that most people don’t know how to rebuild an engine, few people know how to rebuild their marriage once they feel angry and distant from their spouse. Even more alarmingly, well-intentioned spouses can see their relationship worsen as they try to fix the problem. If this sounds like you, talk with your spouse about seeing a marriage counselor, because just like a car, a relationship has broken parts that can be fixed. Also, your marriage is worth so much more than your car, because both you and your spouse are valuable people who can enjoy a rich and full relationship like you used to.

However your marriage is running right now, it is worth it to invest in your relationship. I pray that you and your spouse can continuously rekindle the love that brought you together, and I hope that your car and your marriage have long lives ahead of them.

 

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