It’s a situation we have all been in before, whether it’s with our own parents or a friend. You’re driving somewhere, or having a cup of coffee, or catching up on the phone with someone who is married, and they say “So you won’t believe what my husband/wife did yesterday…” and you know that you’re in for an interesting conversation.

And now you’re in a tough spot. You know their spouse, you’re friends with them both, and you want them to have a good relationship. Hopefully, they just want to talk about what’s been going on with them and their marriage, but they’re kind to their spouse even though they aren’t in the room.

But what do you do when your friend just starts bashing their spouse?

If you want to be a good friend to them, but also support their marriage well, here’s three things that you can do to help.

1. Relate to them, and let them know that they’re not alone.

When your friend tells you that they’re upset, they’re being vulnerable with you, so it can be very comforting to empathize with them and show that you feel for them. Even if you aren’t married, you can still say “Yeah I get upset too when I can’t agree with someone, especially your spouse.” You aren’t in the same situation as them, and you don’t need to pretend that you are, but you’ve felt the same emotions as they have in some way, and you can empathize with them on that level.

2. Talk more about who is present than who isn’t.

So your friend wants to rant about their husband or wife, and you can listen to them for a bit, but at some point, it isn’t helpful to keep rehashing what’s frustrating them. It definitely isn’t helpful to let your friend bash their spouse behind their back, and it’s exhausting for you to listen to. What is helpful is to talk about what’s going on with them, and why this situation is upsetting them so much. It may be difficult, but turning the conversation to your friend will help them process their own thoughts and emotions, rather than blaming their spouse behind their back.

3. Give the benefit of the doubt to their spouse.

Unless your friend asks for your help to get them out of their relationship, they need your help to stay in it. So, don’t blame their spouse or make them out to be worse than they are. Your friend doesn’t know it, but they need to soften their heart towards their spouse. They need to hear someone say “Your spouse is not the enemy, I know it might feel like that, but they aren’t.” This one is hard, it really is. Your friend might not want to hear this, they might want to just be mad and bash their spouse, but they need faithful friends to fight for their marriage even when they can’t do it themselves.

You can be a safe space and a kind listening ear for your friends, and that is such a valuable and needed role in everyone’s life. And, with some intentionality, you can help them process what’s happening in their marriage so that they leave the conversation ready to reconnect with their spouse instead of running further away. More than anything, as a marriage counselor, I’m begging you to do this: Help your married friends focus on their own hearts and minds rather than their spouse’s. Then, when you see their marriage grow and mature over the years, you’ll know that you are really a good friend, and you helped that family in their time of need. In case your friend doesn’t get the chance to say it, allow me to say thank you for loving your friends in the way that only a true friend can.

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