On my work computer, my screensaver is a picture featuring this quote:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen”

If that sounds at all familiar to you, that’s because these words are known as The Serenity Prayer, a foundational element of all 12-Step Recovery Programs (including Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Workaholics Anonymous, and dozens more). And even though I don’t specialize in substance use issues, I still find incredible value in these words, because I don’t think people who are addicted to something are very different from anyone else.

Here’s why I say that: let me describe the cycle of addiction for you with a made-up example.

1.     Let’s say I’m a college student trying to get through a hard semester of college, and I’m really struggling to pass this one class that just seems impossible for me.

2.     I try to get my work done, I look for online help, but I just can’t seem to learn this stuff, and I feel stupid, and I feel like a failure.

3.     To take my mind off all of it, maybe I play some video games to distract myself from those uncomfortable feelings

4.     I feel better for a time, until the game isn’t as fun after a while, and now I feel worse because I’ve wasted time, and I’m no closer to passing this class than I was before.

5.     I don’t tell anyone about just how down I’m feeling, because I feel ashamed that I’ve procrastinated even more, and I’d like to play more video games to avoid that shame.

Now, in this example the addiction was to video games, but is it so different than anything else we use to numb our emotions? And I’m not talking about healthy distractions here, instead I’m using something that will ultimately worsen my life. Some people do it with drugs or alcohol, but a lot of us do it with junk food, or with video games, or with sex, or with pornography, or with shopping, and the list goes on.

Whatever your “addiction” is, they all come from the same place: A belief that you can’t handle the emotions, and in desperation, doing something ultimately harmful for a bit of short-term relief.

This is, in many ways, incredibly similar to The Anxiety Cycle, which I’ve written about too. It’s all about emotion at its root, and if we are running away from emotions like a kid running away from a scary monster, we’re never going to live the lives we want.

So, what’s the solution? We need to learn how to cope with our emotions in a healthy way, which basically means this: We need to sit with our uncomfortable emotions for a period of time, don’t run away from them as fast as we can, if needed we can distract ourselves for a bit (with something that is good for us, like time with friends, doing something fun, or caring for our bodies), and then return to the situation that makes us so uncomfortable.

That is the best way we can live with emotions, experience, but not be ruled by them or run from them. None of that is easy, and I completely understand why so many of have our addictions, both big and small, and I’m glad that we’re not meant to face those addictions alone. Whether you need help from friends, family, or a professional, there is hope on the other side of the scary emotions, and there is a joy-filled life that you absolutely can have.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!