In our culture today, we discuss and talk about emotional abuse significantly more than in the past, which has thankfully led to a greater awareness of emotional abuse when it happens. However, sometimes, we still need to ask the question: “What is emotional abuse?” and the short answer is this: Emotional abuse is using our emotions for selfish gain. Now I know that this is a fairly broad definition, and emotional abuse is not as easy to identify as other forms of abuse, so using examples is probably more helpful.

So, here are some typical ways that emotional abuse can happen in a relationship:

·       1. Guilt-Tripping: If someone uses guilt as a weapon to compel others to do what they want, then that is a form of emotional abuse. This person may be exaggerating their emotions, and embellishing them to try and get someone else to do what they want them to do.

·       2. Shaming: If someone diminishes another’s value, or makes broad “You’re not good enough” statements, that is another form of emotional abuse. While specific critiques such as “You could do this thing better, and I would appreciate that” is very helpful, broad put-downs that sound like “You’re a bad person because of this, and no one could love someone like you” only serve to make someone feel ashamed.

·       3. Intentionally Withholding Affection: If someone uses affection or praise as a reward for someone else, this may be a form of emotional abuse. Closeness, affection, and intimacy are not things to be held as a carrot on a stick, making someone else work for them in order to receive them. This type of conditional love is a major red flag in a relationship and should be addressed with the help of a professional.

There are some other ways that emotional abuse may happen in a relationship, but these are the most common ones that I’ve seen and worked with. And here’s the tricky thing about emotional abuse: It’s more common than we think, and we can all slip into being emotionally abusive when we’re feeling desperate or afraid. This doesn’t excuse the severe emotional trauma that can result from this type of abuse, but it’s just more common than we think.

However, so often I hear people say “I don’t want to be manipulative or emotionally abusive” which actually prevents them from sharing their emotions with their spouse or friend. And although the line is very thin between healthily sharing our emotions and using them for our selfish gain, it is all about our intentions.

Here’s a more personal example. Let’s say my wife and I have a date planned, but then one of her friends has a really hard day and asks for help from my wife, and my wife decides to go spend time with her friend. Now, I’m going to be disappointed by this, because I was looking forward to spending time with her, and it is good and needed for me to share that emotion with my wife.

However, if I really don’t want my wife to go, and I exaggerate my emotions saying “Ugh I just feel like you don’t even care about me” when I know darn well that she absolutely cares about me, I’m being manipulative and emotionally abusive. So like I said, it’s all about our intentions. If my intention in sharing my feelings is to create emotional intimacy between us and not let resentment build up between us, then that is actually the best thing to do for our marriage. And, if I’m doing so with an agenda, trying to get what I want, it’s not okay and emotionally abusive to do that to my wife.

As that example shows, the line between sharing our tough emotions with someone and being emotionally abusive is thin, and I’ll admit that I’ve fallen into this sometimes with different people in my life. Thankfully, that wasn’t the end of the story.

So here’s what the end of the story can be: A relationship can be salvaged from emotional abuse, if both parties are willing to work on the relationship. Unlike physical and sexual abuse, a relationship suffering from emotional abuse can often be improved and restored so that both people can thrive again. It usually takes some professional help and intentional effort, but with both of those things, any relationship can heal over time.

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