“I can’t forgive her; I just can’t let her off the hook like that” said my friend to me. Years ago, I was with a close friend of mine as he vented about how mad he was at his ex- girlfriend. As we talked through the situation, I tried to tell my friend how much he needed to forgive this girl whom he had broken up with four months ago. She had wronged him in numerous ways, and he was rightfully hurt and upset, but the problem was that he was still holding onto his anger. Time and again he said, “I can’t forgive her, if I do then I think she’ll break my trust again.” The problem was, he had combined two concepts into one, and couldn’t tell them apart anymore.

Too often I hear people use the words “forgiveness” and “trust” as if they’re the same word, and they are often used in similar contexts so it’s easy to mix them up sometimes. But, here’s the crucial difference: To forgive someone is to let go of your anger towards them, and to trust someone is to choose to be vulnerable with them. Forgiveness and trust might coexist, but they are not the same.

When someone harms you, or does something that leaves an emotional wound, you’re going to be angry with them and that’s okay. In fact, it’s completely healthy to feel angry when someone wrongs you. Now, whether or not you choose to trust someone again is up to you, but no matter what someone’s done to you, you should forgive them.

While that might sound crazy, let’s go back to our definitions of forgiveness and trust: Forgiveness is letting go of anger, and trust is choosing to be vulnerable with someone. So, when someone harms you and you feel angry, at some point you’re going to need to let that anger go or else you’re just going to burn up with anger forever. And here’s the really terrible thing about that anger: It’s just sitting inside of you, making you miserable, and that person who wronged you has probably moved on from it. They’re not still thinking about that incident where they wronged you, they’re off living their life while you’re here brewing and stewing with resentment and frustration.

The process of forgiveness isn’t easy, it takes time and work, but it’ll free you from the rage that can burn you up inside. Over time, you can acknowledge that a person made a mistake and wronged you, but that doesn’t mean they’re a bad person (whatever that means) and you can wish them the best in their life going forward.

Now, hear me clearly: You do not have to trust someone again after they harm you. If you let your roommate borrow your car for the weekend and they trash your car and don’t take good care of it, you don’t need to let them borrow it again. That would take trust, and trust is earned over time; it’s grown as you get to know someone and learn that they really are trustworthy.

That applies with roommates and cars and also with more serious situations too. I tell my clients honestly that it’s totally up to them who they trust and choose to be with. However, I really want them to also forgive the people who have wronged them, not for the other person’s sake, but for their own. And when they can live their life without being filled with anger or resentment, they’re finally doing what’s best for themselves.

After a long conversation, my friend understood why he needed to forgive his ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t letting her off the hook for her actions, because he could choose to not trust her again (which in this situation meant distancing himself from her and not being friends). But, forgiving her wasn’t letting her off the hook, he was letting himself off the hook. As he went through the process of forgiveness, he was freeing himself from anger, cynicism, and resentment.

Wherever this post finds you, do something kind for yourself and think about forgiving those people who you are still angry with. Let yourself off the hook by letting that anger go, don’t let it fester inside of you and poison your heart. Only trust those who have earned your trust, but free yourself from anger by forgiving everyone.

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