Several years ago, I was meeting with a mentor of mine, who shared a short story with me, “The Bridge” by Edwin Friedman. Written in 1990 as a sort of modern-day fable, this two-page story can be found at this link (and if that link ever expires you can surely find it by Googling it too).

I encourage you to read the story, take a moment to consider what it means to you, and what lessons Friedman may be trying to teach us.

Once you have done so, and come down from the emotional roller coaster which that story takes us on, here’s my three main takeaways from the story.

First, helping other people is the right thing to do, especially when they can’t help themselves.

Despite the story’s ending, let’s not forget that the protagonist spent considerable time and effort to help this stranger in distress. He waited, offered solutions, and generously tried to find a way to help this man to safety. So, let’s not overcorrect and say “I shouldn’t help anyone because that’s enabling their bad habits” because that would be an error in the opposite direction.

This echoes the sentiment of my previous post “The Boundaries Revolution and How it Can Go Too Far.” Helping someone else isn’t convenient for us, but we can help someone else even if it takes some self-sacrifice, which is one of the defining features of a stable society.

Second, as you help someone, you should expect them to contribute what they can to their own progress.

I distinctly remember being about eight years old, when I would relentlessly ask my parents to help me with my math homework, asking “Can you just do it for me?” And, being the good parents they were, they told me that I needed to try to solve the problems myself, and genuinely try my best before they would do the problems with me.

This is a great example of what the protagonist of the story does as well, he asks the man on the rope to try and pull some of his own weight up, even if he can’t do it all himself. It isn’t about exactly how much a person contributes, but it’s about a person taking responsibility for part of their own healing process. They probably need some outside help, but if they aren’t willing to contribute what they can, they aren’t actually ready to heal.

Third, it is not good for someone to be permanently dependent on you for everything.

The old saying “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish, feed him for a lifetime” still carries some valuable truth. To truly help someone is to help them grow in their independence, so they can stand on their own two feet and even help others less fortunate than them.

The protagonist recognized that to stand there on the bridge holding the rope was not a long-term solution, that only led to both of them being woefully co-dependent on each other.

This story has impacted many therapists like myself, and also anyone who spends much of their life helping others. Whether you’re a therapist, or a parent, or a friend, or just a person who has people you care about, there’s so much to be gained from this story. And, I hope this helps you gain some perspective on how to truly help someone else, you will sacrificially help them out of their hard situations, and empower them to take ownership of their own life over time.

Then, when you see them actually develop into a more responsible, confident, independent person, you will know that you have truly helped them get off the rope, up on their own two feet, and back on their path to a better life.

Thank you for reading my practice’s blog, my library of all the random thoughts that would make a terrible book but make a halfway-decent blog. To request a session or contact me, head to my Scheduling page to get in touch with me today!