In my life, I’ve gotten more practice apologizing than I care to admit. Whether I’m apologizing for showing up to an event late or calling someone by the wrong name for the third time, I’ve made my share of mistakes. But, the silver lining of these mistakes was the opportunity to reconcile my relationships by apologizing afterwards. The difficulty was, no one taught me how to apologize well, so I had my share of miscues when attempting to say how sorry I was.

As a therapist, I also have worked with many people through their relationship challenges, and no matter what type of relationship we’re talking about, someone always makes a mistake. But, some relationships survive these mistakes, like spouses who make mistakes every day yet still enjoy a deeply affectionate relationship.

I’ve seen that one key difference between relationships which thrive and relationships which struggle is the use of excuses and explanations. I don’t know how much time people spend thinking about the difference between excuses and explanations, but it might be the most important distinction in many relationships.

The key difference between an excuse and an explanation is this: an excuse is intended to free yourself from guilt or responsibility, while an explanation is intended to show why happened.

We can all use excuses and explanations at the proper time, but it isn’t easy to know when you need to give an excuse and when you need to give an explanation. As a general rule of thumb, you should probably give many more explanations than you give excuses, because we all would like to use excuses freely so we never have to admit we’re wrong.

But, there is still a time when you should offer an excuse, like when you really didn’t do anything wrong. For example, if you were late to dinner with your spouse because of an emergency, you could say “I’m sorry that I was late tonight, but my mother called me in a crisis and I couldn’t hang up on her without making sure that she was going to be okay.” These situations are rare, but they do happen, and when they do you don’t really have anything to apologize for. All that happened was an unexpected situation, and you can empathize with your spouse that you’re sad that you missed out on some time with them too.

However, most of the time, there is something that you can apologize for, and here’s the crucial piece: Don’t offer an excuse when you should offer an explanation; if you do, you’re not really apologizing.

So how can you offer an explanation and also apologize? Don’t avoid the blame, accept it and trust that the other person will forgive you. For example, if you were late to dinner with your spouse because you lost track of time at work, don’t say “I’m sorry I was late but I got caught up talking with my co-worker at the end of the day.” Spoiler alert: Your spouse isn’t going to be pumped that they fall below your co-worker on your list of priorities.

Instead, you should explain your actions and then apologize, by saying something like, “I’m sorry I was late, I stayed late talking with my one co-worker when I really should have said ‘I need to go to dinner let’s talk more tomorrow.’ That was wrong to let something unimportant get in the way of our time together, and I won’t do that again.” You’d be surprised at how an apology like this one will soften the other person. It’s refreshing to hear someone take responsibility for their actions, and it makes it much easier to forgive them too.

Also, the last piece of a great apology is to follow through on your apology. It’s fine to explain why it was difficult to do the right thing, but don’t make a habit of doing the wrong thing. A true apology will lead to changed behavior, and you’ll find yourself making the right decision more times than not.

I hope that you learn to use excuses and explanations in their proper place, and that on the occasions when you do have to apologize, you apologize so well that your relationship grows stronger because of it.

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